Bronwen was up for hours upon hours last night with a deep, croupy cough. It was loud and painful-sounding. Once Bronwen settled, Jillson awoke and vomitted all over our bed, our floor, our bathroom, our toilet.
Today I am still in clothing that is unsuitable for public viewing. I wore it to the bus stop.
It is now nearing lunch time, still in said clothing, and I am preoccupied by embarrassing and small thoughts. Why am I not capable of accomplishing what others accomplish? When will I stop longing for more (of everything)?
I have so many good days that when I have a tricky one I feel totally off-kilter. Yes, I know I am exhausted. I know this not only because of last night's escapades, but also because I do not have enough energy to ward off those insidious thoughts which come creeping in whenever I let down my guard. I start doubting all of our choices. I start thinking the "what if it had been different" thoughts and I start comparing myself, my body, my thoughts, my skills, my kids, my very accomplishments, my husband, my "career," my house, my clothes, my everything to everyone else's.
Comparing is rarely helpful. It's like whining, masked by adult observations. (Amy Sorensen writes beautifully about this here.) I think it is fair to compare if you need to state what you want, as a means to clarify your goals, as a way to help you get up off your duff. But after that it's just annoying and destructive. I don't believe in whining or complaining unless you also take action to achieve what you want.
And I have no energy for the latter. Not today.
Don't worry. I'm sure I'll be back to my happy-go-lucky, enthusiastic, just-go-with-it self by tomorrow, or maybe as soon as this afternoon. No one needs to worry or talk me off a ledge. I know that my life is full of many things that are perfect for me. And I know that focusing on what I do have will distract me from my selfish longing for things I do not have.
I'm just having a day of doubts and wanting it to pass.
Now. Because it's Monday, I'm including some songs I've been listening to a lot of late. If you, too, are having a doubtful day, and need to cry it out, then this song is for you. Just remember, you've been warned. This song is gorgeous but sad.
I love this part:
I still love what I know
I love to ride alone
and sing a song
and listen to the radio
That's some therapy right there.
Alison Krauss, "Crazy as Me."
But because, even on a bad day, I cannot walk away without leaving at least a little shred of optimism behind (you know me), I have another song for you. This is an old standby which always helps me get up, get over myself, and carry on. Many of you know this song thanks to Susan Werner, whose performance of it was my battle cry all through college and grad school. (I'm almost certain I've posted this song to the blog before.) Below you can hear the original artist, Dana Cooper, perform his amazing song.
Dana Cooper, "Standing in My Own Way"
I love this part:
Here am I
Questioning where, how, why
Watching my life roll by
I don't want to blow it
And that's it. I need to get back to blogging more. I feel so much better already.
One very good thing today: Bronwen's head smells like rosemary focaccia bread. I have no idea how or why this is happening, but the aroma verges on divine. It's all there: the rosemary, the sea salt, the olive oil. (Did someone sneak into my house and rub her head with an Aveda product?) The whole time I have been typing this (standing at the kitchen counter, pretending I am doing house chores), I have been wearing her on my front, leaning in every few sentences to inhale deeply. Aromatherapy; brought to me courtesy of my daughter's magic scalp.