Too Far Gone

My friend Vicki wrote an amazing entry into her blog the other day called "The Secret Lives of Us Brave Wives." Boy did that strike a chord.

Combine that with the insane position I find myself in--trying to balance being the "volunteer" in charge of a group of people married to my husband's co-workers (don't get me started) with my family planning goals, breastfeeding goals, fitness goals, future career planning goals, a miniature crisis of faith, and the fact that my husband is likely to be departing on a lengthy and dangerous business trip soon, and I am feeling a little crazy.

Who said this? "I am not crazy. It is just that my situation requires a crazy person." I've held that quote in my head since high school; it's gotten me through a few doozies.

So I am taking up the act of Practicing Optimism. The other day I planted 30 flowers in my front yard, and I thought of my mother the whole time, planting the way she taught me. I cooked a huge meal for a family I don't even know who just had their fourth baby. I nurse my daughter and I feel invincible. I hold onto my husband at night and I feel like the seaworthiest battleship ever created tied to the safest mooring ever created. I pull the perfect shot of espresso from my Happy Machine and make an iced latte that would have every barista in the Pacific Northwest drooling, and I feel secretly accomplished. I drive through this gorgeous countryside with my CDs blaring, singing at the top of my lungs, with Jillsie babbling along in the background, and I feel that all is right in this world. And then I try very hard, very very hard, not to break down into unstoppable tears.

Which leads me to this. I recently plucked an old CD compilation out of our collection. I made this CD several years ago during my husband's first lengthy and dangerous business trip. I listened to it every day driving to and from work. It was filled with songs that, at the time, were guaranteed to lift my spirits. Yesterday I listened to the CD in the car for the first time in years. I heard this, and it made me inordinately happy:

I never lived through the Great Depression
Sometimes I feel as though I did
And I don't have answers for every single question
But that's okay, 'cause I'm just a kid

I've seen pictures of my mother
When she looked exactly like me
And I've seen all my friends running for cover
Running from something they can't see

And it's not easy to get a handle on my life
But I have tried it time and time again
But I still cry just like a baby
And I answer back to feel a little free
And I still fly even though I'm gonna fall
But I'm too far gone to let it get to me

Well I'm not much like my generation
Their music only hurts my ears
And I don't hide my pain to save my reputation
It's too hard to keep up with these years

And it's not easy to make a habit disappear
But I have tried it time and time again
But I still cry just like a baby
And I answer back to feel a little free
And I still fly even though I'm gonna fall
But I'm too far gone to let it get to me